Oh. Fuck.
Wake up.
Wake up! Fuck.
Yeah.
Ow. Fuck.
- Hey dad. - Shit. Hey.
Grandpa is making French toast.
What's mom doing here?
Oh, your mother, she...
She had some work to do.
Why's she asleep?
It was hard work.
Should I tell grandpa to make her French toast?
- Oh, absolutely not. - Okay.
Don't.
Ever.
Fuck.
Your ex wife.
Hon, can you please get out of here?
- Where is here? - It's my place.
How many pills did you have last night anyway?
Which flavor?
Baby, this isn't gonna happen again.
What did happen last night?
What do you think happened last night?
Oh, I smell French toast.
Yeah, but you can't have any. You have to get out.
Come on, after what you did to me last night. Why not?
Because you're a sociopath and an addict
and I can't even look at you right now.
- Right back at you sweetie. - Yeah, ok.
- Bye boys. - Bye Mom. Oh.
Love you.
- Hey dad. Sit down and eat. - Lost my appetite.
I bet you're hungry though. Oh yeah. I'm starved.
- Auditions are today. - For what again?
Grease.
- Yeah. And what part are you auditioning? - Sandy.
The part immortalized by Olivia Newton-John.
That's great, bud. Think you've got a shot?
Brittany Kauffman knows all the songs. But she looks like a pug.
Well, great. Go for it.
- I bet you're gonna kick that little pug's ass. - Dad.
Damn right. I gotta poo.
So I just...?
Yeah. Just like it was any part in any play.
Right. Cause dressing up like a slut
and trying to get John Travolta to fuck you,
that's just like trying out for the little league. Right, dad?
Oh, do you wanna fuck him up about it? Just lean on in. Call him a nancy boy.
He's looking for me to push back.
He's looking for a little positive attention.
All right, super shrink.
- Retired. - Yes. Exactly.
So why don't you go play dominoes or something?
and stop trying to tell me how to raise my kid.
Maybe I wouldn't have to be here
if he had one fit parent between the two of you.
Really? I mean, cause you were an awesome parent.
All right, look. I guess your mother and I could have done a better job.
Dad.
- Gotta go to work. - Good.
I actually have a real job.
Since when is management consulting a real job?
Since... it pays seven figures a year.
Hey dad. Are you gonna see a Broadway show in New York?
I don't think so, buddy, I got a lot of work to do.
Well, when you get back can we go shoe shopping?
Yes. Shoe shopping this weekend.
Thanks dad. Love ya.
If we don't stick the landing on this one our pilot could be eliminated.
Okay, no pressure.
So what are they looking for?
They're looking for a market position.
Like they don't already have one.
They're masters of the fucking universe.
You know it's like my econ professor Harvard used to say to me:
Never examine the motives of the guys writing your checks.
Unless you say something that supports
the position they secretly hoping we advance.
Yeah, but what's the objective?
They want us to tell them they're perfect.
Fuck what they want, okay?
Consulting's like dissing a really pretty girl
so that she'll want you more.
We need them to think they're almost perfect so we can book that afterwork.
Afterwork.
Afterwork really is the goal of all consulting.
Get them on the tit.
Thinking that their business is gonna fail without you.
They hire you week in and week out,
that's millions and millions in billable hours.
That's what we want, baby.
- You know, this is like the... - Please. God. Doug. Chew.
What? Oh, sorry.
Don't take another bite. I can't help it, it's really good.
Here's the thing.
These guys are just looking for a way to justify their bonuses.
Yeah? And why shouldn't they?
Because they robbed the American public of billions of dollars
by selling them bad mortgages?
Oh, boo hoo.
So who are the players?
The CEO of MetroCapital is K. Warren McDale.
But his little yapping spaniel is Greg Norbert.
It's gonna be about scoring with Norbert.
But he knows that. We can't suck up to this guy.
We gotta alpha dog his ass.
Marty, we cannot get counseled out on this job.
Counseled out. That's consultant for fired.
It's not good.
No, she's basically giving it to you. She wants it, but that's not true.
Come on, I'm gonna figure it out one of these days your dirty little secret.
- You are? - Yeah.
- My secret? - That's right. Whatever it is.
- Okay. - Yeah, I know about the baby thing.
What baby thing?
The baby thing. You wanna have a baby.
Someday. I mean after I made partner.
Yeah but when we got drunk in Pittsburgh that time...
- What? - You said... What did you say?
- You wanted to... Fuck, what was it? - Oh my god.
It was terrifying. Oh. Harvest.
- No. - You wanted to harvest your eggs.
You know what? You have no soul.
Because you didn't want to depend on a man.
I never said that. But it's true.
That's some control freak shit, Jeannie.
You gotta look at that.
Oh my god. I have a deep feeling of a threat.
Don't start that shit, Doug.
I got to say, the man is on to something.
These guys are animals.
They created the subprime meltdown and now they're cashing in on it.
They are taking their spoils in the form of outrageous bonuses
like any good robber baron.
Marty, they're gods of dangerous financial escrows.
What? You think they're just going to let us walk out of here alive?
You're forgetting they think they need us.
Thank you, Jeannie.
Now, why don't you sweet, young maidens go inside and change your panties
and see if we can find a cute farm for the data dump?
Data dump. That's the actual information.
The numbers, the dirt.
Everything else's horse shit. Except perception.
Which is horse shit you can leverage.
All right, let's go get this money.
Okay.
I'm gonna take a stroll so I get a feeling for the corporate culture.
All right, good afternoon. Galweather...
...real quick, I'll take care of it from here. And this is my mobile.
You can call me whenever you want. See what happens.
- She won't call - See what happens.
- She won't. Thank you. - Sorry.
- Hey. You Galweather? - Yes, I am.
- Marty Kaan? - Yeah.
- Greg Norbert. - Greg Norbert?
Yeah. Need you right away.
McDale wants you at his strategy session.
Did you say Greg... Greg Norbert? Yeah, I did.
What? That's all right.
- What? - Huh?
- Nothing. - What?
You hear things and then you put a face to the name. It's interesting.
All right Greg. Where are we?
You know, the 5 minute blue scout with Galweather.
I thought we hired a team from Galweather.
No, you did. You did.
They are in the other room waiting for the data dump.
I can go bring them in if you'd like.
You're Kaan. You're the mad genius we're paying all those money for?
Well, why don't you just tell us what you're thinking?
- Go. - Okay.
Management consulting 101
Flatter the client
MetroCapital, as is, is a work of art.
It's a Giotto. A Rembrandt.
So how do you make improvements on a masterpiece?
Ask them what they think.
So that the main question is:
Where do you feel you're headed as a company, organically?
Use indecipherable jargon.
Because, look, the pod remains convinced
there is a burning platform.
We just don't have the bandwidth to go into a black factory
and blow up the paradigms with a white paper.
We don't have it.
You think I haven't hired and fired a thousand management consultants?
I know all your bullshit tricks.
You get me a dog that hunts or I'll put a bullet in its head.
All right Greg, what's next? Well, just look at the numbers.
We're fucked. I mean we're gonna get counseled out, I can feel it.
Oh my God. Doug, shut up!
You gotta shut the fuck up.
We'll just pitch massive layoff, right?
Usually freaks everybody out, gets the attention off of us.
They don't need massive layoffs.
It doesn't matter.
Yeah, Clyde, put together a radical right size proposal
and have it in their pockets in case we need it.
Hello, Principal Gita, is everything okay?
Yes, Mr. Kaan, lovely. It's a beautiful sunny day.
Yes. But I'm in the middle of something. Can you...?
Well we had the auditions for Grease today.
Yeah, I heard.
And Roscoe was outstanding.
Hi. Good to see you.
And Mrs. Roschinsky decided to use him as Sandy.
And that's great. Isn't it?
But another Sandy. Brittany Kaufmann...
- Yeah, the pug. - Pardon me?
Nothing.
Brittany was very disappointed.
Brittany's mother made the point
that the part was given to a boy and that there are
plenty of boys parts in the show.
Listen. He didn't audition for a boy's part,
he auditioned for the part of Sandy.
He wants to sing Summer Nights and wear a poodle skirt, okay?
And he got the part of Sandy because he was the best Sandy.
And now Brittany Kaufmann's mom can't stand that her little baby
isn't getting every god damn thing she wants.
So she's up on some kind of a gender witch hunt.
Well, perhaps you could come down..
Gita, listen. My boy got the part of Sandy, he's gonna play Sandy.
Mr. Kaan?
Congratulations. It's one of the pink ladies, right?
So, tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?
Look, let's get the fuck out of this fishbowl
and see if we could find some $1000 sushi joint
that we can bill these assholes for.
All right, just tell me this. I'm curious.
Why is it so important to you that I have some
crazy secret that you're always trying to figure out?
Oh, it's just 'cause I've, you know, analyzed you
using my very powerful regression model and
there's an 87% likelihood that we are gonna sleep together, so...
- Haha. - Yeah. It's true, so we should just get to know each other...
Grossly inaccurate.
Get comfortable with the idea, you know.
- Wow. - Avoid all that awkwardness later like
- can I use your toothbrush? - No.
You want pepper on that? Is your poopshoot an option?
Oh my god.
It's so interesting because when I look at you
I honestly see sometimes like a decent looking, intelligent...
- Yes, yes. - You know, employed if overeducated...
- Thank you. - guy, and then you open your mouth
and the damage just spills right out and...
Marty, I was a business psych major
and I don't even wanna tell you what I see.
Wow, that sounds bad.
No $1000 sushi, but they have Vienna sausage and dip.
- Not bush league. - Jesus Christ, Doug, are you kidding me?
- What? - You have absolutely no grace.
These are young women.
Are we billing MetroCapital for this?
Duh.
Let's spend their money.
You got it? Yeah, I'm good.
Okay, okay.
Oh, I know that this relationship started off
as more of a transaction, but what if I really am falling in love with you?
Oh wow. None of my costumers have ever fallen in love with me.
- What? - Or projected any crazy shit on to me.
- I'mma be your first? - Uh-huh.
Oh, shit. Come on. Taxi!
I'm starving.
Hey. Give me a double.
Oh man, it's cold out there, man.
- Hey, Marty. - Jerr... G... Greg
- Hey. - Greg.
- Somebody stayed out late. - Little early. Breakfast.
You gonna introduce me to your... your...
- Wife. - Wife.
- Your wife. - His wife.
My wife. Yeah.
You didn't mention that you brought your wife.
Oh, I had thought that I mentioned that.
No, I don't remember that you mentioned it, no.
It's... April.
April. It's nice. I'm Greg Norbert. Nice to meet you.
Hey Marty. I like how we both went for the trophy wives.
- Air bump! - Boom.
- Boom.
So I'm just getting a cappuccino.
Doing a half marathon before work. What about you guys?
Oh, um...
Before everything gets too hectic, we like to have a little 'us time'.
- Little us time, Greg. - You guys are newlyweds?
Hey, I got an idea. Double date tonight.
Steaks and cocktails, we go over our takeaways for the big guy tomorrow?
What do you say?
- Say yes. - We got that... um...
Resistance. Don't resist me.
It'll break my heart. This is the way it's done.
We'll be there, Greg.
Man, I like her, Marty. She's a keeper.
I like her more than you like her.
See you guys tonight. All right, Greg. Take it easy, buddy.
Wait a minute. Listen. This isn't a fuckin' game, okay?
This guy's gonna eat you alive.
We'll see about that.
These guys are fucking evil.
I think we're completely screwed.
No, we're not.
You gotta trust daddy. When he comes in he's gonna kill it.
Speak of the devil.
Jesus Christ, he's in the same fuckin' clothes.
- Kiddies. - Hey daddy.
What could you possibly be doing here this early?
Not banging strippers?
Good answer. But it just so happens
that I had a very important pre- dawn meeting full of strategery,
with one Mr. Greg Norbert.
- Bullshit. - And we are... Is that coffee?
- Yeah. - having dinner tonight to put our last
bits of spit and polish on our presentation
to Mr. McDale. Thank you.
Hold on, you're having dinner with Norbert?
- Absolutely? - That's great.
He's very anxious to meet my wife.
Your what?
Here's the thing. You don't have a wife.
Please tell me you're not bringing the stripper to a business dinner.
- Stripper wife. - Why am I high-fiving that?
- Yeah. - Oh, is that me?
- I would rather work at Arby's - That can be arranged, Jeannie Beanie.
All right, let's get busy.
We need to pull every nasty thing anyone in the world has ever said
about MetroCapital, fast.
- How would that possibly... - Just trust me, please.
Trust you?
Fuck me.
Hmm. Hi, sweetie.
Fuckin' double booked.
Double booked. Not good.
Especially when you're the one they double booked on.
Especially when the company they double booked is the number one firm
in the country to you're number two. Especially when they employ your crazy
ex-wife who you just anger banged.
Probably the best fucking closure in the world.
Yo, getting double booked on is one big fat fuck you.
Yeah, I'm sorry. That's never fun.
Doesn't really happen to us but
from what I understand it is it's a real bummer.
Oh, it just happened to you baby.
Just because the double booked doesn't mean they shake hand us.
Yet. So Olivia Newton-John, huh?
Wow. Super mom, you're in the loop.
Well, you know, he still loves me even if I forget to love him.
You just let him flounce around like it's a done deal,
oh well, our son is a tranny for life.
He's experimenting with different expressions of gender identification.
Oh my god. I can actually see you dad's hand shoved up your ass
working your mouth like a little sock puppet.
He keeps the kid sane, you fucking psycho.
Good luck, cunties.
Which one of you is she fucking? Or is it a group thing?
Hello.
Fair enough.
Um, can I ask you some questions? About these guys?
How long have you lived out here?
You look good.
Do I look like a stripper?
No. Escort. High end. Come on.
Thank you, Greg.
You can have all you want. Look at that.
Oh. Kaboom ka-pow ka-dunk.
Oh there we go. Look at that. That's the timing.
- I can tell you do a lot of Pilates. - Yes. A lot.
- Almost non-stop. - I can tell.
So, Marty, what do you got for us?
Anything dazzling? All my guys in the consulting biz say
you're the guy for outside the box.
Now why do people say outside the box to describe outside the box,
when the term outside the box is so inside the box?
Very good.
All right, I'm gonna go to the ladies'. I'll go with you.
All right then.
Oh my god, Marty. She is insanely hot.
Yeah, well, Rachel is also... fine.
Yeah, she's a dead lay.
- Really? - Oh yeah.
Dead on arrival.
Wow.
What about Greg?
I woke up a week into the marriage and I realized
I really like girls in a way that it isn't part time.
Nobody is getting fired, yet. Look I'm pulling for you. I'm a 100%.
But?
But McDale thinks Kinsley/John is going to deliver.
Why them and not us? Is it a ranking thing?
They're ranked number 1, we're ranked number 2.
You know it's because they are the firm that does the ranking.
You know that. Right, Greg?
I look at the proposals side by side, that's all.
He's leaning towards Kinsley/John so I'm not gonna lie to you,
I don't wanna bullshit you, I don't want you to get blindsided.
But here's the thing: Kinsley doesn't know.
He's already thinking about a three- year transitional engagement. Boom.
That's a shitload of afterwork.
Does McDale put any stock in your opinion?
Oh, yeah. Fucking A.
OK good. Well then you're not influenced by which way he's leaning.
He's the CEO of the company.
Jesus Christ, Greg.
Does any original thought happen inside that sterile fucking environment
or is it just a bunch of guys ass licking?
There's no ass licking.
- Are you your own man? - I'm my on man.
- Your hair is so... - Oh.
- Thought you guys fell in. - Almost.
Girl talk.
I can't believe they haven't stormed the building
and strung you all up by the nut.
Oh, give me a break.
Toast. Oh please.
Right? Yes.
A bunch of fucking babies, you know.
I mean they love us when the market's firing
and every dumb shit community college dropout has a mortgage and an Escalade.
Oh my god, Greg. You fucking elitist.
It's fucking... it's true man.
They can't handle when the shit bottoms out and after that they have to
use a brain cell to make a fucking dollar. I mean, cowboy the fuck up!
Yeah. Like that. Here we go. That's right.
You are such a pig.
I'm a pig? Oh yeah? Well, I let you know.
I don't see you complaining about the cars the houses and the netjet...
- No no no no. - and the boat.
She made me come more in a toilet stall in six minutes
than you have in the past three years.
What the fuck were you saying? I was squirting, Greg.
What?
You what?
- Well this is a... - It was really nice to meet you.
I'll see you tomorrow... at the office.
- What the fuck you... - I had to tell.
- Take it easy. - Get your hands off me!
Let go! Let go of me!
Ouch! My fucking eye!
Stop it! Fuck you!
Let go of my leg! I'm my own man!
So, Jeannie. You said you didn't want to tell me what you saw
the other night. I'm a big boy. Tell me what you see.
- Not now, asshole. - Why not?
Because I wouldn't want to headbutt me or anything.
Or you only do that to the client?
Come on. Tell me.
Best shot.
Right, um...
Someone who is so afraid that they can barely function.
Let alone have an authentic moment with another human being.
And so you insulate yourself
with your numbers and your models and your formulae.
You got me.
You know what the real fear is?
- What? - That some earnest Barnard grad
is going to try to use their overpriced bullshit therapy on me.
- It's Columbia. - What?
What? It's Columbia.
Hey, um, remember that foolproof computer model
that told you that we were gonna have sex?
Yes, I do. Doug helped me with that.
Hey.
Okay, here's the deal.
In order for a computer model to be worth a crap
it has to begin with credible information.
And for starters, I am never gonna sleep with you.
And you know, your fear and self loathing and
"I'm a piece of shit at the center of the universe."
That's about your mom's suicide, Marty.
- The fuck told you...? - I guessed.
Clyde told me.
Well.
We're definitely gonna sleep together now.
Pity bang.
Good luck.
Oh, they were good. But you got dressed up so pretty.
Let's give this a shot.
Gentlemen.
We're running over, so let's keep this moving, huh?
Oh, absolutely. Awesome. This shouldn't take a lot of time.
Cause I'm not gonna do the whole handjob thing
that Kinsley Group just did. You know, stroke the shaft, cradle the balls.
Maybe finger up the ass, Greg. Squirt.
Now, I'm sure that they told you that MetroCapital is synonymous
with ethical trading and that legally you can't be touched.
They told you to do just some image spots, go ahead
and take your bonuses, right? Let me know how that goes.
Those on Wall Street cannot resume taking risks
without regard for consequences. Too many were motivated only
by the appetite for quick kills and bloated bonuses.
I think it's as serious a situation as this country has faced
since the great depression.
I've lost my job and..
Lost our house as well
I've had a beautiful four bedroom home.
You paying of fat bonuses to everybody else.
I am so angry.
Now we have to use the college funds to pay the debt on a house
that we don't even live in anymore.
McDale and those MetroCapital fuckers. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I don't hate anybody, but he's close.
MetroCapital can go fuck themselves.
Two great big 'fuck you's.
Fuck off.
Those bastards at MetroCapital, fuck you all. Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
America fuckin' hates you.
I don't know what the hell is the matter with you.
Look at the screen.
MetroCapital announces loan amnesty.
"It was imperative that we do something to help." Take action.
"We couldn't justify our bonuses while people were losing their homes."
Get them out of here.
Oh, come on, K. Warren, just look at the actual amnesty program.
I'm not interested in any amnesty program.
Well, you're definitely interested in something.
I mean, otherwise why would you be looking
at a 3-year three-year transitional...
- Transit... - No?
Oh, doesn't matter.
I'll take it from here, Greg.
Now, we spent the last few days crawling up the heinie end
of Metro CRAPital and back out it's mouth.
We know that you're on the verge, and it is a very real verge
of watching Joe Sixpack and Hockeymom take their meager earnings elsewhere.
We're looking at a potential 40% falloff in customer loyalty.
Now that is roughly 940 billion dollars on an annual amort.
Ouch.
Which will, of course, mean a crippling domino effect
for your wholesale business, so... you know... exponential ouches.
Now, you may not care about these customers. I know I don't.
But, the fact remains: if they jump ship,
you'll have nothing to finance your little sorties
into the land of risky, yet potentially lucrative financial instruments.
So what are you gonna do?
You gonna puss out, flee to your houses on St Barts?
Hire private security force?
Not just yet.
After the announcement we will roll out the amnesty applications.
We estimate in an initial surge to market of about 17 million applicants.
And after the initial disqualifications, we're left with
about 9 million remaining. Then the applications will go through processing
with another 8,800,000 eliminated. Nearly half of which will be due to
good old inertia and lack of follow through.
Then a final fine comb will go through
along with a series of technical dequeues. 6% mortality dequeue.
It's your basic bump-and-grab, guys. You have a mark: the customer.
A jostler bumps into them, creates a distraction.
That's the amnesty program.
The grab: that's you all taking your bonuses,
while they're all admiring your amnesty program.
By the time all the paperwork's in,
you're probably about 50,000 full write-downs. Total cost?
Not as much as all your Kinsley image spots.
When can you implement?
You can schedule a press conference for Monday morning.
And your bonuses.
Belly up. Take 'em Monday afternoon.
Galweather & Stearn will walk you through the entire affair.
And while you're at it, K. Warren, enjoy your time in the sun
as America's newest hero. Can you feel me?
New Era of Corporate Responsibility
This is it.
This is the moment.
The moment like when you're deep sea fishing and you feel it on the line.
Tug, tug, bang! Big one, baby.
The moment when you have the guys,
you have the world by the balls. By the balls!
Wait a minute. I never pegged you for a hugger, K. Warren.
- Call me Kenny. - I knew it. I knew it.
Is this woman even gonna show up?
Because this is really unnecessary, I mean I can just put you
in touch with my lawyer. You understand me?
Oh my god. I'm so sorry I'm late.
Traffic was terrible. Sweetie, have a seat.
- Hi. - Hi.
- You must be Marty. - I am.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Here you go grandpa. - Oh thank you.
So, I talked to principal Gita and Brittany's mom and we decided that
the best thing to be if Brittany played Sandy and you played Rizzo.
What?
She can't play Sandy. And Rizzo's a slut. She should play Rizzo.
Have you seen her? She looks like Shaq.
That's because she's a fat lard.
- Yeah, well. - But I got the part of Sandy. It's not fair.
Life is full of unfair moments, bud. I'm sorry.
You're gonna be a great Rizzo, though.
I'll be her understudy. Then I'll fuck her up somehow.
Watch your mouth.
But... Yeah. That's the spirit.
♪ Cos he sounds like a drag. Shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, ♪
♪ shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo- bop bop, shoo-bop bop, Yeah ♪
♪ He got friendly, holding my hand, she got friendly down in the sand ♪
♪ He was sweet, just turned eighteen ♪
oh, Mother... oh
oh, Fucker, oh
♪ woo, woo, woo ♪ ♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪
Yeah?
Wow, could you not answer the phone with yeah? It's very impolite.
Oh yeah. You know, babe, polite is all that matters to me.
- 4:30 AM pickup tomorrow morning. - Omaha, right?
- It's beautiful this time of year. - Oh yeah. Paris for the obese.
All right, well...
Hey, Jeannie. Um...
Listen... Do you think...
Am I a...
What?
Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow.
sub by LaDa18